on loneliness

Living alone really kind of scared me. Not in the sense of ghosts or bodily harm, but in the sense of loneliness. How wrong I was. I haven't felt lonely at all, actually.

I recall many many nights waiting for LSOS, looking at foot-foot kitty and asking "where's your daddy?" That was the epitome of lonely. Feeling the absence of someone. I don't recall feeling lonely a single moment since I have been living in my new home.

I feel like I've been defining my life exactly as I would have it, without a single compromise. I actually really like to be alone. Solitude is amazing. I like coming home from work some days and taking sake to the park and then just being here without any interuptions or expectations. I especially like going exactly where I want without any consultation.

This past week, I went to the San Francisco Ballet to see a night of their New Works Festival on Tuesday, I went to the Atmosphere concert on Thursday, and I just got back from going to see Jean-Luc Goddard's Contempt at the Castro Theatre. I walked or rode my bike to each place, and I didn't consult anyone or ask anyone if it interested them or they wanted to go along. I wanted to go, and I did. And I enjoyed it greatly.

Then there's my apartment. There are little things I compromised on that didn't feel like compromises at the time, but now I can step as far over as I like. Silly things. Like I bought a frilly bed spread. And I've been lighting scented candles. I'm a girl living alone, I can be as girly as I like!

I guess it has helped with the not feeling lonely that there are so many people visiting, the people at work are so nice, I've been continuing to meet people on match, and the friends I already had in the city keep coming around. I chose solitude, it is not by necessity. And there's sake. That little furry friend who is always so happy to see me and greets me every morning with kisses is a life saver.

There has been someone visiting SF from LA every weekend for the last month! This weekend was all Synderella, and we had an amazing time trying the local restaurants, going to yoga and the park, and going out and flirting with the boys. Last week I saw Greg Reynard when he was up working for Apple. The week before Journey was in town and we got to spend quite a bit of time going to restaurants and MoMA, the weekend before I saw Magnus briefly when he was in town. Lots of familiar friendly faces. San Francisco is the perfect landing place after LA. Far enough to be AWAY with a capital A, but close enough that the visits are frequent. It doesn't feel isolating at all.

I do miss Eric, truthfully. I miss our vocabulary a lot. In the four years, we had built a whole dictionary of words for things that were only between us -- aside from calling eachother beef and tofu which together made bofu, we had a whole list of ofu words -- dofu was when one was being dumb, which was extended to yudofu after we discovered the japanese meal was a homonym for you dofu. There was go-fu for leaving. There was the bofu house and team bofu. And Slow-fu for dawdling. There was foot and shoe. And toot. And calling things friends -- planty friend, the water friend, couch friend. Anything could be amended with friend. And so many other little short hand terms. Alas, they are dead.

Perhaps some live on. A twisted thing keeps coming into my head -- one of his emails to mutt was talking about yum-pop. That was a term we had, it actually came from this stupid novelty pair of underwear I bought at Target one day when I had stayed over and we were going out and I needed clean clothes. They were pink, with a silly little japanese style cartoon character and the phrase "Yum-pop will save the world!" I always laugh to myself that he used that term with someone new, and that it obviously has some new connotation that I know nothing of. Little does she know its origins. Words and language are so wonderful and so weird.

As much as I miss him, I am grateful that I have been able to start anew. So much pain makes me so grateful for what I have. I'm not anxious to get involved with anyone at all. I like flirting at Zeitgiest. I like the possibilities, knowing I'm free.