Monday, March 31, 2008
Success
I live somewhere! My new address is 686 Valencia #2, San Francisco, CA 94110. Things are looking up.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Ups n Downs
Here's the score.
Job prospects - 1 up. Apple came through, but Current is still dragging their feet on a higher offer. Importantly, I do have a job. I would be starting April 14 at Apple as a designer in their motion graphics department.
Apartment prospects - 1 down. I made the mistake of trying to be upfont and honest about sake dog with the landlord. Despite an ambiguous policy and no mention of dogs in the ad, he said no, no way, not ever, it's against policy. Seeing as he is the owner of the building, I think "policy" is a pretty week thing to stand behind. He is the policy. Nonetheless, he has my 2500 dollars. It's been 4 days now, and he says he won't give it back unless he rents the place by April 1. Keep you fingers crossed on this one.
So once again homeless, I got back on the horse and applied for 2 more apartments. I'm supposed to hear monday, so I am again reliant on the good graces of my dear friend Michael. He was headed for Tahoe the first couple days I arrived back, and once again gave me the keys to his castle. Last night he returned to the city, but stayed with his girlfriend so I could remain here. Thank god for Michael. Although he was the one who suggested coming clean with the landlord, so maybe advice isn't his forte but being a savior definitely is.
Dealing with Eric - 1 down then maybe 1 up. I found out that the affair actually started in October, while I was in South America. This brings the grand total of months of cheating and lying up to 5. My sense of stupidity and betrayal rose, but my sense of finality and understanding were also enhanced. Hard to believe that he would continue lying in an essay about integrity. There's no end to his bullshit apparently.
Last night at Zeitgiest, I met up with Donham and Tollef, and I actually hung out with someone that I knew at USC. We reconnected over Facebook, and it turns out that Scott Rose is living in SF too. Our most primary memories of each other are freshman year, when we were both so hung up on our high school gfriend/bfriend that had been left behind. We commiserated often, had wine on his birthday, went to a punk show in hollywood together...and then kinda lost touch through the college years, only occasionally resurfacing in each other's lives. It was good to see him. It's good to have a connection with ones past.
The story of how I ended up in the city came up, and I was all "you might know the girl who was fucking my boyfriend!" Turns out he did know Kate at USC. The USC school of theater world is small. Scott was surprised it was her. And then he said - 5 months? You knew, didn't you? How could you not know?
How could I not know? Luckily, Donham was there to back me up. As a neighbor, friend, coworker, and commuting buddy of Eric's, he had no idea either. No one did. Not Eric's sister who was in the same dance company as Kate and Eric. Not a single one of our friends, many of whom had had conversations with eric about his life and how he was feeling about things. He buried that one deep. And he had a million alibis. That's jeckyl and hyde for sure.
So a lot has happened, and a lot has stayed exactly the same somehow. Still no job or apartment, only possibilities, but San Francisco feels like my city. Whether its riding my bike around town, going to Zeitgiest - the best bar in the entire world with its outdoor picnic tables, or watching a crazy bicycle race set up in the basement of a sports store, where people faced off on track bikes set on stationary pedastals and had their times projected behind them while an audience cheered and drank PBRs.
Going back through LA was a relief. The house no longer felt like mine. I got the last of my stuff out and was happy to turn over my keys. I just wanted to be disconnected from that house of so many painful moments. Seeing it redecorated with eric's stuff, and removing my plants (almost dead and some unrecoverable) felt GREAT. I ran into Eric's younger sister Nichol there. She was coming out to meet Eric that night and arrived early. I am going to miss her a lot. After 4 years, she had become like my little sister, and she is a strong and wonderful lady. She helped me fill in some of the blanks about what had been going on. Apparently within the dance company, no one knew of the whole extent of the affair, but two people suspected that something had at least happened on an off night between Eric and Kate.
I stayed in Eileen and Bj's lovely guestroom (now it can actually be termed that with a bed and all) and enjoyed waking up for coffee with them in their backyard each morning. I had dinner with Kris, Rachel, Eileen and Bj the first night, at El Cholo. That place had been a college fav, but eric never really liked it, so I hadn't been there in years. Their veggie fajitas are still unbeatable. Tuesday was lunch with Suelyn, and dinner and drinks with the Castlefortes, E and B, and Synderella on the upstairs patio at Red Lion. Late into the night, Eileen, Synderella and I hung out and had Gingergrass' thai coffee and talked. I will miss them.
Onward and upward. LA was a success. I ran a billion errands, picked up files from Framework, started my year's IRA at the USC federal credit union, bought sake's favorite dogfood. A last meeting with Eric the morning I left went fine. The recruiter at Apple called and said they wanted to meet with me again. And then we loaded up and left.
Taking the 101 up, Donham and I saw new scenery and stopped for most of the day in Santa Barbara. We went off looking for hotsprings, but just found a really pretty hike, and enjoyed looking at the pretty people of SB. Camping turned into sleeping at the Motel 6 in Atascadero - the same city my car was stuck in when the clutch went out on the 1 years and years back.
And life goes on.
Job prospects - 1 up. Apple came through, but Current is still dragging their feet on a higher offer. Importantly, I do have a job. I would be starting April 14 at Apple as a designer in their motion graphics department.
Apartment prospects - 1 down. I made the mistake of trying to be upfont and honest about sake dog with the landlord. Despite an ambiguous policy and no mention of dogs in the ad, he said no, no way, not ever, it's against policy. Seeing as he is the owner of the building, I think "policy" is a pretty week thing to stand behind. He is the policy. Nonetheless, he has my 2500 dollars. It's been 4 days now, and he says he won't give it back unless he rents the place by April 1. Keep you fingers crossed on this one.
So once again homeless, I got back on the horse and applied for 2 more apartments. I'm supposed to hear monday, so I am again reliant on the good graces of my dear friend Michael. He was headed for Tahoe the first couple days I arrived back, and once again gave me the keys to his castle. Last night he returned to the city, but stayed with his girlfriend so I could remain here. Thank god for Michael. Although he was the one who suggested coming clean with the landlord, so maybe advice isn't his forte but being a savior definitely is.
Dealing with Eric - 1 down then maybe 1 up. I found out that the affair actually started in October, while I was in South America. This brings the grand total of months of cheating and lying up to 5. My sense of stupidity and betrayal rose, but my sense of finality and understanding were also enhanced. Hard to believe that he would continue lying in an essay about integrity. There's no end to his bullshit apparently.
Last night at Zeitgiest, I met up with Donham and Tollef, and I actually hung out with someone that I knew at USC. We reconnected over Facebook, and it turns out that Scott Rose is living in SF too. Our most primary memories of each other are freshman year, when we were both so hung up on our high school gfriend/bfriend that had been left behind. We commiserated often, had wine on his birthday, went to a punk show in hollywood together...and then kinda lost touch through the college years, only occasionally resurfacing in each other's lives. It was good to see him. It's good to have a connection with ones past.
The story of how I ended up in the city came up, and I was all "you might know the girl who was fucking my boyfriend!" Turns out he did know Kate at USC. The USC school of theater world is small. Scott was surprised it was her. And then he said - 5 months? You knew, didn't you? How could you not know?
How could I not know? Luckily, Donham was there to back me up. As a neighbor, friend, coworker, and commuting buddy of Eric's, he had no idea either. No one did. Not Eric's sister who was in the same dance company as Kate and Eric. Not a single one of our friends, many of whom had had conversations with eric about his life and how he was feeling about things. He buried that one deep. And he had a million alibis. That's jeckyl and hyde for sure.
So a lot has happened, and a lot has stayed exactly the same somehow. Still no job or apartment, only possibilities, but San Francisco feels like my city. Whether its riding my bike around town, going to Zeitgiest - the best bar in the entire world with its outdoor picnic tables, or watching a crazy bicycle race set up in the basement of a sports store, where people faced off on track bikes set on stationary pedastals and had their times projected behind them while an audience cheered and drank PBRs.
Going back through LA was a relief. The house no longer felt like mine. I got the last of my stuff out and was happy to turn over my keys. I just wanted to be disconnected from that house of so many painful moments. Seeing it redecorated with eric's stuff, and removing my plants (almost dead and some unrecoverable) felt GREAT. I ran into Eric's younger sister Nichol there. She was coming out to meet Eric that night and arrived early. I am going to miss her a lot. After 4 years, she had become like my little sister, and she is a strong and wonderful lady. She helped me fill in some of the blanks about what had been going on. Apparently within the dance company, no one knew of the whole extent of the affair, but two people suspected that something had at least happened on an off night between Eric and Kate.
I stayed in Eileen and Bj's lovely guestroom (now it can actually be termed that with a bed and all) and enjoyed waking up for coffee with them in their backyard each morning. I had dinner with Kris, Rachel, Eileen and Bj the first night, at El Cholo. That place had been a college fav, but eric never really liked it, so I hadn't been there in years. Their veggie fajitas are still unbeatable. Tuesday was lunch with Suelyn, and dinner and drinks with the Castlefortes, E and B, and Synderella on the upstairs patio at Red Lion. Late into the night, Eileen, Synderella and I hung out and had Gingergrass' thai coffee and talked. I will miss them.
Onward and upward. LA was a success. I ran a billion errands, picked up files from Framework, started my year's IRA at the USC federal credit union, bought sake's favorite dogfood. A last meeting with Eric the morning I left went fine. The recruiter at Apple called and said they wanted to meet with me again. And then we loaded up and left.
Taking the 101 up, Donham and I saw new scenery and stopped for most of the day in Santa Barbara. We went off looking for hotsprings, but just found a really pretty hike, and enjoyed looking at the pretty people of SB. Camping turned into sleeping at the Motel 6 in Atascadero - the same city my car was stuck in when the clutch went out on the 1 years and years back.
And life goes on.
Friday, March 21, 2008
failure
I feel like such a failure right now. I'm not sure if i can make san francisco work. I'm not sure if it's the right thing. And the broken relationship is really getting me down. My life wasn't supposed to be at this place. My mental plan, developed early in my 20's, had marriage set at around 27, kids at around 30. Guess I blew that out of the water. My mom had a valentine's day card from my dad. I saw something sitting on her desk and commented -- oh, that's pretty, what is it? and opened it up. "your dad finally started signing his cards after all these years." she says. There it was, signed, with no other written fanfare, but the printed message was "You will always be my friend. You will always be my love." That damn hallmark imprint has been running through my head for days now. That's what I want. I want that partnership. That 30 + years and still appreciating eachother. How could I have been so wrong? I feel like my powers of perception are myopic.
I think I messed up the apple interview. I was so concerned with presenting my design work, that I neglected to see that he was trying to evaluate my leadership abilities. I was ready with work examples that never were displayed. I felt like it was weird that they were so overwhelmingly positive about my work, and was blinded by the fact that I had been working on the apple account at logan for so long, and ambivalent about whether I was interested in the job at all.
All the ambivalency about everything. I don't know whether I want to stay or go, or where I belong or what I should be doing. Lost, really. I threw myself into everything so fast, and now I am paused -- and confused. Current offered me less money than I was expecting (basically the same I made this year while working only 9 months of the year), and now it's in negotiations and reference checking. So I'm up in the air. And here I have committed to an apartment that rents for twice the amount I've ever paid before. I'm nervous to say the least. It seemed like everything was going right and leading me to SF, and now that I'm gone, I wonder if I should even go back. Lost. Truly lost and directionless. I keep thinking I have to set some boundaries for myself, get myself committed to some things so at least I won't be so up in the air. Everytime I commit, I second guess.
How will I afford to live in SF? Is this a good idea? My work set up in LA is rather ideal. It's no wonder so many motion graphics people say they'd love to live in SF but they couldn't make it work. I guess I can make it work for a year - but my rent...it would be so much easier to coast in minneapolis or portland. I don't really want to coast right now. I am ready to throw myself into my work. I can't get discouraged. My skills run deep, there are many media jobs I can do. But I really liked the one I was doing - designing boards is kind of the best job I can imagine. But the lifestyle in SF is really what I want - a car free life, hanging out with friends in the park, walking and biking everywhere. Work to live, live to work?
My mom commented rightly that to go back to LA would only be unhealthy. I disliked the place for so long and now I have even more reason to do so. I know she's right, but I wish I could hide, or duck, or go to a home that no longer exists.
I think I messed up the apple interview. I was so concerned with presenting my design work, that I neglected to see that he was trying to evaluate my leadership abilities. I was ready with work examples that never were displayed. I felt like it was weird that they were so overwhelmingly positive about my work, and was blinded by the fact that I had been working on the apple account at logan for so long, and ambivalent about whether I was interested in the job at all.
All the ambivalency about everything. I don't know whether I want to stay or go, or where I belong or what I should be doing. Lost, really. I threw myself into everything so fast, and now I am paused -- and confused. Current offered me less money than I was expecting (basically the same I made this year while working only 9 months of the year), and now it's in negotiations and reference checking. So I'm up in the air. And here I have committed to an apartment that rents for twice the amount I've ever paid before. I'm nervous to say the least. It seemed like everything was going right and leading me to SF, and now that I'm gone, I wonder if I should even go back. Lost. Truly lost and directionless. I keep thinking I have to set some boundaries for myself, get myself committed to some things so at least I won't be so up in the air. Everytime I commit, I second guess.
How will I afford to live in SF? Is this a good idea? My work set up in LA is rather ideal. It's no wonder so many motion graphics people say they'd love to live in SF but they couldn't make it work. I guess I can make it work for a year - but my rent...it would be so much easier to coast in minneapolis or portland. I don't really want to coast right now. I am ready to throw myself into my work. I can't get discouraged. My skills run deep, there are many media jobs I can do. But I really liked the one I was doing - designing boards is kind of the best job I can imagine. But the lifestyle in SF is really what I want - a car free life, hanging out with friends in the park, walking and biking everywhere. Work to live, live to work?
My mom commented rightly that to go back to LA would only be unhealthy. I disliked the place for so long and now I have even more reason to do so. I know she's right, but I wish I could hide, or duck, or go to a home that no longer exists.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
the everyday
Sitting here on my nice king size bed with Sake napping at my feet. Freshly showered and just relaxing. Apple put me up for 3 nights in a fancyish hotel on 4th and Market in downtown San Francisco (that allows pets!), and it's just what the doctor ordered. After a long week of apartment searching and interviewing, and hanging out with sooo many friends, I'm ready to be all happy and nappy in a real bed.
Yesterday, I looked at 12 apartments. No exageration. Of those 12, I turned in applications for 2. Of those 2? I'll let you know tomorrow. One of them is amazing, but expensive, right in Hayes Valley next to the green. It's a one bedroom, so if I get it I'll be all set for visitors. The other is in between Alamo Square and Divisidero. Also nice, right on the other side of the park from Michael, a studio for a couple hundred less per month. There both very cute victorian style buildings (edwardian? I don't know. cute sf style) with only 6- 8 units in each. I haven't been liking the apartments in huge buildings with creepy musty halls. Zipping from apartment showing to apartment showing on my bike made me love this city even more. I'll be happy with either of these. Hopefully one will come through.
Turns out people watch a lot of Lost in this city. Thursday night I went to dinner/viewing party at Michael's house with Miesha and Graham. Friday night I went to dinner/viewing part at Skot and Ria's with a bunch of folk. I had never watched a single episode prior to moving here, and now I've see 4, with 3 different groups of people. I have to say I like seeing the people and cooking the food better than watching the show, but I especially like being able to walk home after it's done. So much cooler than visiting in Los Angeles.
Tuesday I took a bus out to Tahoe and went snowboarding for the day. It was fun to get out on the slopes, but it was underwhelming for a first trip to Tahoe. I think I'm going back with Miesha and Michael in a week or so if I don't go to NYC, so with any luck there will be a bit of powder.
Last night it was dinner and drinks at Farmer Brown in the Tenderloin neighborhood. There's enough crazy people and pee on the streets to make me feel like I'm back in skid row of downtown LA! We took an inadvertent tour when Ziah couldn't remember which block she parked her car on. The restau was good though. Soul food and overpriced drinks. Seafood Jambalaya for me and fried chicken and rhubarb pie for Michael and Ziah. Then on to meet Brad and Jess for some dancing at Butter in the Mission. Like the white people we are, we got a little tipsy and sang along to 80's music while watching weird kung fu movies projected on the wall and dancing as silly as we could. As we were finally leaving at 1am or so, I ran into Alex and his girlfriend on the street, and they got me on the list to go into PopRoxx, a club where Tollef was DJ-ing at. A taxi back to my hotel and I was asleep by 4am. And Sake came with the whole night. She's a little trooper.
Today was brunch with Lindsay, then an afternoon spent once again strolling around and hanging out at Dolores Park. Dolores Park is so the scene! On a nice weekend afternoon, the grass is covered with groups of people picnicing, drinking, people watching, playing with dogs, playing instruments, and generally relaxing. And everyone goes there. As Lindsay and I strolled in that direction, we got a text from Alex saying he was heading there, and when I texted Ziah, she had just arrived, totally separate from us. I love it. It's better than Perkin's in high school.
Tomorrow, I have an interview with Apple at 10am, a second interview with Current TV at 4pm, and I might be signing a lease in between. Then Tuesday I fly to Tucson to see my parents, and, depending on when my lease starts, I might be flying from Tucson straight to New York to hang out with Emmett and Jeff for awhile. Whew. It's no wonder the weeks are passing like days! Life is getting a little less dramatic, but a lot more fun.
Yesterday, I looked at 12 apartments. No exageration. Of those 12, I turned in applications for 2. Of those 2? I'll let you know tomorrow. One of them is amazing, but expensive, right in Hayes Valley next to the green. It's a one bedroom, so if I get it I'll be all set for visitors. The other is in between Alamo Square and Divisidero. Also nice, right on the other side of the park from Michael, a studio for a couple hundred less per month. There both very cute victorian style buildings (edwardian? I don't know. cute sf style) with only 6- 8 units in each. I haven't been liking the apartments in huge buildings with creepy musty halls. Zipping from apartment showing to apartment showing on my bike made me love this city even more. I'll be happy with either of these. Hopefully one will come through.
Turns out people watch a lot of Lost in this city. Thursday night I went to dinner/viewing party at Michael's house with Miesha and Graham. Friday night I went to dinner/viewing part at Skot and Ria's with a bunch of folk. I had never watched a single episode prior to moving here, and now I've see 4, with 3 different groups of people. I have to say I like seeing the people and cooking the food better than watching the show, but I especially like being able to walk home after it's done. So much cooler than visiting in Los Angeles.
Tuesday I took a bus out to Tahoe and went snowboarding for the day. It was fun to get out on the slopes, but it was underwhelming for a first trip to Tahoe. I think I'm going back with Miesha and Michael in a week or so if I don't go to NYC, so with any luck there will be a bit of powder.
Last night it was dinner and drinks at Farmer Brown in the Tenderloin neighborhood. There's enough crazy people and pee on the streets to make me feel like I'm back in skid row of downtown LA! We took an inadvertent tour when Ziah couldn't remember which block she parked her car on. The restau was good though. Soul food and overpriced drinks. Seafood Jambalaya for me and fried chicken and rhubarb pie for Michael and Ziah. Then on to meet Brad and Jess for some dancing at Butter in the Mission. Like the white people we are, we got a little tipsy and sang along to 80's music while watching weird kung fu movies projected on the wall and dancing as silly as we could. As we were finally leaving at 1am or so, I ran into Alex and his girlfriend on the street, and they got me on the list to go into PopRoxx, a club where Tollef was DJ-ing at. A taxi back to my hotel and I was asleep by 4am. And Sake came with the whole night. She's a little trooper.
Today was brunch with Lindsay, then an afternoon spent once again strolling around and hanging out at Dolores Park. Dolores Park is so the scene! On a nice weekend afternoon, the grass is covered with groups of people picnicing, drinking, people watching, playing with dogs, playing instruments, and generally relaxing. And everyone goes there. As Lindsay and I strolled in that direction, we got a text from Alex saying he was heading there, and when I texted Ziah, she had just arrived, totally separate from us. I love it. It's better than Perkin's in high school.
Tomorrow, I have an interview with Apple at 10am, a second interview with Current TV at 4pm, and I might be signing a lease in between. Then Tuesday I fly to Tucson to see my parents, and, depending on when my lease starts, I might be flying from Tucson straight to New York to hang out with Emmett and Jeff for awhile. Whew. It's no wonder the weeks are passing like days! Life is getting a little less dramatic, but a lot more fun.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
home
On Saturday night, out with Brad and Jess's friends, I felt so very comfortable. Turns out neuroscientists are really nice people. Without the aid of more than a single glass of wine (but with the help of my very cute puppy to break the ice), I easily past 6 hours at a party where I had arrived knowing only 2 people. Most of them were married couples, but there was one cute boy who I hear is unattached, and all were engaging and friendly. Brad, Jess, and I went out for Turkish food in Berkeley beforehand and had some misadventures trying to get a taxi/bus/ride home before I crashed on their pullout couch when we arrived back at 4am.
Early the next day it was off to have breakfast with Susie and her parents. I don't believe I had visited with them since Susie and I took our road trip up the coast to Seattle from LA back in 1999. Almost 10 years ago! They're really great people. Driving down to her parent's house in Morgan Hills south of San Jose, I saw a sign that said "Los Angeles 387 miles" and I got uncomfortable that I was heading in that direction. 387 miles suddenly seemed a little too close. I don't think I'm ever going to go back to that town. Probably for visits, but NEVER to live. I'm done with it. Finally.
Here, however...I got off the freeway when I passed the Stanford campus. The green rolling hills and knotty oak trees are captivating, and there was lots of bike and hiking paths and nature areas. Sake and I walked around for a bit before heading up to the city.
The tentative plan for the last couple days has been stick around the city for the next couple weeks, then spend April road tripping/in Minneapolis before coming back to SF to either sublet Ziah's apartment or another place on May 1. Now I'm suddenly just wanting to get life started here.
Outside in nature, or walking around the city streets past endless ridiculously cute buildings and little shops, I think - this could really be my home.
Early the next day it was off to have breakfast with Susie and her parents. I don't believe I had visited with them since Susie and I took our road trip up the coast to Seattle from LA back in 1999. Almost 10 years ago! They're really great people. Driving down to her parent's house in Morgan Hills south of San Jose, I saw a sign that said "Los Angeles 387 miles" and I got uncomfortable that I was heading in that direction. 387 miles suddenly seemed a little too close. I don't think I'm ever going to go back to that town. Probably for visits, but NEVER to live. I'm done with it. Finally.
Here, however...I got off the freeway when I passed the Stanford campus. The green rolling hills and knotty oak trees are captivating, and there was lots of bike and hiking paths and nature areas. Sake and I walked around for a bit before heading up to the city.
The tentative plan for the last couple days has been stick around the city for the next couple weeks, then spend April road tripping/in Minneapolis before coming back to SF to either sublet Ziah's apartment or another place on May 1. Now I'm suddenly just wanting to get life started here.
Outside in nature, or walking around the city streets past endless ridiculously cute buildings and little shops, I think - this could really be my home.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
on the outside
Thursday night was my first time going to a bar as a single person. The very second I walked in, I locked eyes with some guy. He continued to stare. I looked away and looked back and he was still looking. I was freaked out. I ducked my head and hurried to the bar to buy Ziah and my drink. Thinking about it, I decided he was cute, but we settled at a table back in the corner with a huge group of people and he was totally obstructed. If I had been on my game, I would have gone back into eyesight...
After a few drinks, I started to think that one of her friends was kinda cute. Really not my type, but tangentally I guess. He's a half jew, which goes with the previous 2 for 2 guys in my past. Short hair, a little talky, works at Pixar, blue eyes. He said "You're charming, you know?" and I got a little taken in. Alas, he had to leave with his ride before we did, and actually I'm grateful.
I only went into the bathroom twice to almost break into tears. RIDICULOUS! What in the world is wrong with me. I'm ashamed that I would do that. I just started thinking about how I just wanted to have someone to go home to. I didn't really want the thrill of the chase or the unknown or any surprises. I just want someone to come home to at the end of the night that I like how they smell and I know how they are and they know how I am. I was really excited going into it. It's kinda fun to put yourself on display and wait for reactions - but I just don't know how to deal. Cute boys are too intimidatingly cute, not cute boys are too not cute. And I kind of feel like I need a disclaimer or a warning label on my head "I'm sort of damaged by things right now and all I can really think about is how my ex screwed me over and how almost anybody could be a lying cheat." Hi, here's my baggage. Nice to meet you, too.
And it hits me how ironic it is that Eric said he was so excited about being single - relying on himself, doing his own things - while I was so adamant that I'd just want to move on cause I don't like being alone. And somehow the situations are reversed. There is an aspect of being single that I like A LOT. I feel like the strings have been cut. There's no magnetic weight pulling me toward a home base. My base is all the people I know and all the situations that might seem interesting. The world is SO WIDE OPEN. And I keep getting more and more freelance job offers and interviews. A little too much. But it makes me feel independent and strong.
After a few drinks, I started to think that one of her friends was kinda cute. Really not my type, but tangentally I guess. He's a half jew, which goes with the previous 2 for 2 guys in my past. Short hair, a little talky, works at Pixar, blue eyes. He said "You're charming, you know?" and I got a little taken in. Alas, he had to leave with his ride before we did, and actually I'm grateful.
I only went into the bathroom twice to almost break into tears. RIDICULOUS! What in the world is wrong with me. I'm ashamed that I would do that. I just started thinking about how I just wanted to have someone to go home to. I didn't really want the thrill of the chase or the unknown or any surprises. I just want someone to come home to at the end of the night that I like how they smell and I know how they are and they know how I am. I was really excited going into it. It's kinda fun to put yourself on display and wait for reactions - but I just don't know how to deal. Cute boys are too intimidatingly cute, not cute boys are too not cute. And I kind of feel like I need a disclaimer or a warning label on my head "I'm sort of damaged by things right now and all I can really think about is how my ex screwed me over and how almost anybody could be a lying cheat." Hi, here's my baggage. Nice to meet you, too.
And it hits me how ironic it is that Eric said he was so excited about being single - relying on himself, doing his own things - while I was so adamant that I'd just want to move on cause I don't like being alone. And somehow the situations are reversed. There is an aspect of being single that I like A LOT. I feel like the strings have been cut. There's no magnetic weight pulling me toward a home base. My base is all the people I know and all the situations that might seem interesting. The world is SO WIDE OPEN. And I keep getting more and more freelance job offers and interviews. A little too much. But it makes me feel independent and strong.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
changing
When you spend 4 years with someone, it's more than just ending a relationship, it's ending your conception of how your life is and will be. 4 years and then those 2 shitty months. That's longer than I spent in college. In fact, that's longer than I have done anything in my life except perhaps go to elementary school. I honestly looked at Eric's mom and thought she would be the grandmother of my children. I saw my future in his eyes, for better and or worse. But now I can look ahead and see how much better my life is getting already. No more compromise.
The first change is getting out of LA, most likely for good. The most fundamental change is not always waiting on Eric. He was gone so much, and my evenings and weekends were always left up in the air because I wanted to make sure that there was no possibility I might see him before I scheduled anything else. Now my schedule is mine. It's a good experiment to see how you would live your life if there were no limitations.
Brilliant and eloquent Claudette, writing from the Peace Corps in the Dominican Republic, had sage advice and recollections about her own life that sound eerily familiar.
"what's especially cruel about a relationship with cheating is that the cheating is icing on the cake, so if you have cheating for icing, you know what that cake tastes like... sand, rocks, some ca-ca. i was mad about so many other things and the cheating was like this salt in the wound insult over injury."
"i don't think you should look back and try and pick out if there were signs you should have seen or what. in the future, if it smells like shit, you'll know it - no need to analyze the stinking heap in front of you to guarantee that. plus, i think that's a 'blaming the victim'ish mentality - in a relationship of years and the level of intimacy you two had, its bizarre to think that you should even have to look for signs. really, if i could change anything i would tell him to be a man about the whole thing and tell you he's done before getting someone else involved.
in relationships its really as easy as that, and if he couldn't manage that, its certainly not your fault. you were his girlfriend, not his jailer - if he wanted out, we're of an age where he could have just said so."
I guess she's right, and I should quit trying to understand. Now it's just cataloguing what comes into my head and spitting it out to remove it from my psyche, to wipe the slate clean.
Yesterday I woke up at 7am to take sake for a walk, worked on my boards until about 6 (with breaks for chatting and taking sake to pee), went to yoga class, and cooked and ate dinner with my friend Susan and her fiance in Potrero Hills, then I came back and chatted with Ziah for awhile before going to sleep. I like this new life.
The first change is getting out of LA, most likely for good. The most fundamental change is not always waiting on Eric. He was gone so much, and my evenings and weekends were always left up in the air because I wanted to make sure that there was no possibility I might see him before I scheduled anything else. Now my schedule is mine. It's a good experiment to see how you would live your life if there were no limitations.
Brilliant and eloquent Claudette, writing from the Peace Corps in the Dominican Republic, had sage advice and recollections about her own life that sound eerily familiar.
"what's especially cruel about a relationship with cheating is that the cheating is icing on the cake, so if you have cheating for icing, you know what that cake tastes like... sand, rocks, some ca-ca. i was mad about so many other things and the cheating was like this salt in the wound insult over injury."
"i don't think you should look back and try and pick out if there were signs you should have seen or what. in the future, if it smells like shit, you'll know it - no need to analyze the stinking heap in front of you to guarantee that. plus, i think that's a 'blaming the victim'ish mentality - in a relationship of years and the level of intimacy you two had, its bizarre to think that you should even have to look for signs. really, if i could change anything i would tell him to be a man about the whole thing and tell you he's done before getting someone else involved.
in relationships its really as easy as that, and if he couldn't manage that, its certainly not your fault. you were his girlfriend, not his jailer - if he wanted out, we're of an age where he could have just said so."
I guess she's right, and I should quit trying to understand. Now it's just cataloguing what comes into my head and spitting it out to remove it from my psyche, to wipe the slate clean.
Yesterday I woke up at 7am to take sake for a walk, worked on my boards until about 6 (with breaks for chatting and taking sake to pee), went to yoga class, and cooked and ate dinner with my friend Susan and her fiance in Potrero Hills, then I came back and chatted with Ziah for awhile before going to sleep. I like this new life.
Other Parties
Up until this point, I have been exclusively pissed off at eric. Obviously, it is first and foremost his problem. But there is another party involved that was a clear contributor to a fucked up situation. Kate Hutter knew he was involved with me. WE lived together for god's sake! There was no ambiguity. I saw her on many occasions after if began. She saw Eric and I show up at a party and act like a couple. She came over to my house and had the nerve to make small talk with me, knowing she was fucking my boyfriend. That is a lack of respect for herself and for me.
A close friend of mine once had an affair with a much older married man. I was always disapproving. Even if dude says his wife is fine with it, he has obvious motivations. Maybe it's my feminist background, or maybe it's just common decency, but I always thought that women should stick together on this.
I'm not saying they should never have gotten involved. If they're madly in love, so be it. But she should have had the respect for both herself and to me to make sure that the old business was cleared up before the new business began. She was entirely complicit in the3 months 5 months of lying. There was a text message where they discussed eric's "camping" trip in quotations. And that bitch had the balls to talk to me.
It doesn't portend well for a relationship to start based on3 months 5 months of lies. If I were her, I would have wanted my relationship legitimized.
So ladies, lock up your boys! Kate Hutter likes to steal other women's men.
A close friend of mine once had an affair with a much older married man. I was always disapproving. Even if dude says his wife is fine with it, he has obvious motivations. Maybe it's my feminist background, or maybe it's just common decency, but I always thought that women should stick together on this.
I'm not saying they should never have gotten involved. If they're madly in love, so be it. But she should have had the respect for both herself and to me to make sure that the old business was cleared up before the new business began. She was entirely complicit in the
It doesn't portend well for a relationship to start based on
So ladies, lock up your boys! Kate Hutter likes to steal other women's men.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
sharing
Another aspect of breaking up is who gets what. When the break up was looking amicable, we were talking about dividing things evenly. When I found out he was a lying cheat, I decided I would take everything that we had jointly purchased that was not nailed down. Even things I didn't care that much about I wanted to take -- or break. Luckily I didn't have that much room in the storage cube. With friends, it is not so easy.
Of course, I rationally would not want my friends to have to choose. That's not the nice thing to do, it's obviously not fair to them. But of course we are not rational beings, and even if it is not fair to expect my friends to be instruments of revenge I somehow in my heart of hearts wish they would. A lot. I am glad that I managed to keep some friends at least that were firmly on my side of the ledger. It's important to have people who are there for you first and foremost, who stand by you. With others, you secretly wonder. If I really pushed the issue as I never would, where would it come down? Since they all are totally forthcoming that I am the wronged party, I can't help but think it would be against me.
I am grateful for all the friends in my life however, and don't want them to be gone even though part of me thinks it would be healthier if I didn't have so many ties to eric and what he is doing with his life. After I was given the news through mutual friends, I checked in on him and we talked for a long time. Maybe that isn't good even if I have the urge -- picking at the scab so to speak. All the civil and rational conversation can't justify a thing.
All the ones that are playing for both teams make things hard. Very hard. They don't want to hear me say bad things about eric because they want to still seem him as a good guy so they can still be friends. But they don't want to cut me out of their lives, so they sit on a fence. I guess it's the mature thing. God knows I've been there, and I have loved both parties and I didn't want to be involved in what's wrong between the two of them. But it can't help but seem like sabotage, or sleeping with the enemy. When I pour my heart out, and then find out eric has poured his heart out to them as well. I feel like there's some sort of race being run, as he tries to shore up all our mutual friends and make sure they don't hate him. It's fine. maybe I don't even hate him. but I feel like I should. And I really want his actions to have an effect on his life, not just have him with his new girl in the bed I slept in until 4 days ago.
But, as the saying goes, life isn't fair. Although, things DO have a way of hitting you from time to time.
At some point, I'll just cease to care.
Of course, I rationally would not want my friends to have to choose. That's not the nice thing to do, it's obviously not fair to them. But of course we are not rational beings, and even if it is not fair to expect my friends to be instruments of revenge I somehow in my heart of hearts wish they would. A lot. I am glad that I managed to keep some friends at least that were firmly on my side of the ledger. It's important to have people who are there for you first and foremost, who stand by you. With others, you secretly wonder. If I really pushed the issue as I never would, where would it come down? Since they all are totally forthcoming that I am the wronged party, I can't help but think it would be against me.
I am grateful for all the friends in my life however, and don't want them to be gone even though part of me thinks it would be healthier if I didn't have so many ties to eric and what he is doing with his life. After I was given the news through mutual friends, I checked in on him and we talked for a long time. Maybe that isn't good even if I have the urge -- picking at the scab so to speak. All the civil and rational conversation can't justify a thing.
All the ones that are playing for both teams make things hard. Very hard. They don't want to hear me say bad things about eric because they want to still seem him as a good guy so they can still be friends. But they don't want to cut me out of their lives, so they sit on a fence. I guess it's the mature thing. God knows I've been there, and I have loved both parties and I didn't want to be involved in what's wrong between the two of them. But it can't help but seem like sabotage, or sleeping with the enemy. When I pour my heart out, and then find out eric has poured his heart out to them as well. I feel like there's some sort of race being run, as he tries to shore up all our mutual friends and make sure they don't hate him. It's fine. maybe I don't even hate him. but I feel like I should. And I really want his actions to have an effect on his life, not just have him with his new girl in the bed I slept in until 4 days ago.
But, as the saying goes, life isn't fair. Although, things DO have a way of hitting you from time to time.
At some point, I'll just cease to care.
too good
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/2008/02/18/70-difficult-breakups/
unfortunately ( or fortunately?) I'm going to continue to enjoy wallowing, much as I continue to enjoy 80% of what's on that site's list. Oh to be a stereotype! That site is kind of genius.
unfortunately ( or fortunately?) I'm going to continue to enjoy wallowing, much as I continue to enjoy 80% of what's on that site's list. Oh to be a stereotype! That site is kind of genius.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
healing
breaking up. even under the best of circumstances, there's that tearing away of the familiar and comfortable. there is also that sensation of not being loved. despite your best efforts and intentions, it wasn't good enough. and when it is a bad breakup, you look back and try to remember -- was it ever good? our relationship was spawned through social networking, so it is someone fitting that it ended that way to. The internet age. December of 2003 he messaged me on Friendster and March of 2008 I flared out on Facebook. Looking back at old messages preserved in sent mail of years past, I know it was. It was crazy and passionate and fun and hot. It was also always hard in between the fun. I guess later the hard times started to outweigh the crazy passionate ones...
Again, today was good. and extremely bad. I started a freelance job doing boards for digital kitchen and was asked to interview at apple. I took yoga and played frisbee in the park with michael and took sake to the dog park. I found myself bursting in to tears at least 4 or 5 times -- and then it passed each time. I decided in the morning that I should go to new zealand to visit dacia and cheryl, in the mid afternoon that I should head for minneapolis, and then a few hours later that I should just get an apt in SF indefinitely. SF is very very good. I have enough friends here that I could go out every night of the week with a different one and be set from monday through the weekend and beyond -- there's no city that comes anywhere near that except for LA, the obvious favorite.
I woke up this morning from a dream that has a very familiar theme. I had dreamed many times about Eric being with someone else. In early and middle days (is that how the relationship is to be divided up?) that would end with me waking up and looking over at at him and saying I had a horrible dream. He would periodically do the same thing. WE would comfort eachother and say how it would never happen. How it could never happen.
I woke up from an uncomfortable scenario, sitting at a table with the LACDC people. Eric was sitting next to her. I think I spent most of the dream trying to get his attention. It was someone's birthday, and there was a cupcake. It was pushed in front of me, where I sat alone at the head of one end of the table, somewhat uncomfortable. The rest of the people were clustered at the other end -- not unlike when we were at a wrap party in real life. I took the cupcake and pushed it away from me. "Why'd you have to do that?" "It's not mine, I hate cupcakes." I sat there alone and ignored and jealous for a little longer and then I took the cupcake that had began to break up when it tipped over, and I slowly formed the doughy substance into snowball/doughballs and began to throw it at the two of them. After a couple, I started hitting them. They looked a little disturbed,but continued to goof around, only occasionally throwing me dirty looks. Eventually I went over there and sat at that end, and saw the looks on their faces. I saw myself in the reflection of a glass pane behind them. I was wearing high heeled boots and looking pretty good. Then I woke up and was sad. AT least I don't have to be sad from a dream like that again. Fuck him and his absense. And the way he withheld affection but didn't let me go. I was strangled for months. I almost started crying when I woke up. My face crumpled up in the precursor motion. But then nothing came. I absolutely don't love him anymore. I actually do hate him. But he still has the power to hurt me, even from within my psyche, even though I have run away and will never see him again. How do I get rid of this need to get answers and understand? I still don't.
What is there to understand. He just fell for someone else. But why did he do that to me? How could he perpetuate a myth that made me feel inadequate, insufficient, ugly, undesirable, in the wrong, crazy? I don't want him out of my life, but I can't forgive him. I have to cut him off. There's still so much bile to work through.
And then the crazy twist. Reynard calls me up and tells me eric was hit by a car today. wtf. I didn't want him to be hurt, but in a way I did. Not hurt badly, but hurt, in a way that I've hurt. Minor injuries that would force him to stay in bed and contemplate his world while he was healing and before he was deemed perfectly fine. It somehow seemed karmic. The teflon man I called him, nothing ever sticks to you, everyone loves eric even when he fucks them over. I know it makes me horrible, but I guess as long as I've posted every other intimate detail, I can implicate my own bad thoughts. I am very glad he is ok. I have been trying to find out all night, and just got the all clear text message back from donham. but in the poetic way of dreams invading reality and reality invading dreams, something seems to make a sick sort of sense.
I can't help but look back. I am a little obsessed with the past. My ical is detailed to an extreme degree, and I had handmade calendars in college, and monthly planners in high school before that. I look back and wonder when the rehearsals became dates. The distance in our relationship started almost exactly when the dance show did. When I came back from South America and it was like I was a nuissance rather than a welcome companion. Eric said it began only shortly before we went to japan, but I bet it was far earlier. I'm betting early November. But these are useless activities that distract me from my work in the same way that looking up those early text messages and frantic excited crazypassionate ims does.
Are all relationships destined to be this way? Begin in crazy passion, end in withdrawal? I think the crazy passion does end eventually, but then it must be replaced by something more meaningful -- a partnership with a deep and underlying passion, not a crazy-new-obsession. And ultimately, both parties are ready to make that leap or they're not. If they are, they must constantly tend the relationship, watering it and nurturing it so the plant doesn't wither away. And if they're not, they look for the crazy-new once again.
I am looking forward to dating. I told Eric that on Valentine's Day, that I was looking forward to when we were apart because I was looking forward to having someone around again. I missed regular sex. I missed companionship. I missed bike rides and going to museums. I missed having someone there for me. He acted hurt. and I said -- I miss who you once were. I want to meet you all over again. and he said I miss me too. oh, bitterness now -- how he said that when he was doing all those things with someone new I don't know. I don't think I'll ever get in his head to find out.
but dating. Michael and his ilm friends, Ziah and her pixar friends, brad and his berkeley neuroscience friends. I figure my friend linked dating pool in sf is better than anywere else I could be. I guess I can give that a try. I don't really remember what it's like or even the point of it, but I can give it a try. I'm not used to thinking of myself as available. I automatically deflect any and all overtures. It will be an experiment. If I was cheesy and silly, I might say it was a new day adventure.
but I would never do that.
Again, today was good. and extremely bad. I started a freelance job doing boards for digital kitchen and was asked to interview at apple. I took yoga and played frisbee in the park with michael and took sake to the dog park. I found myself bursting in to tears at least 4 or 5 times -- and then it passed each time. I decided in the morning that I should go to new zealand to visit dacia and cheryl, in the mid afternoon that I should head for minneapolis, and then a few hours later that I should just get an apt in SF indefinitely. SF is very very good. I have enough friends here that I could go out every night of the week with a different one and be set from monday through the weekend and beyond -- there's no city that comes anywhere near that except for LA, the obvious favorite.
I woke up this morning from a dream that has a very familiar theme. I had dreamed many times about Eric being with someone else. In early and middle days (is that how the relationship is to be divided up?) that would end with me waking up and looking over at at him and saying I had a horrible dream. He would periodically do the same thing. WE would comfort eachother and say how it would never happen. How it could never happen.
I woke up from an uncomfortable scenario, sitting at a table with the LACDC people. Eric was sitting next to her. I think I spent most of the dream trying to get his attention. It was someone's birthday, and there was a cupcake. It was pushed in front of me, where I sat alone at the head of one end of the table, somewhat uncomfortable. The rest of the people were clustered at the other end -- not unlike when we were at a wrap party in real life. I took the cupcake and pushed it away from me. "Why'd you have to do that?" "It's not mine, I hate cupcakes." I sat there alone and ignored and jealous for a little longer and then I took the cupcake that had began to break up when it tipped over, and I slowly formed the doughy substance into snowball/doughballs and began to throw it at the two of them. After a couple, I started hitting them. They looked a little disturbed,but continued to goof around, only occasionally throwing me dirty looks. Eventually I went over there and sat at that end, and saw the looks on their faces. I saw myself in the reflection of a glass pane behind them. I was wearing high heeled boots and looking pretty good. Then I woke up and was sad. AT least I don't have to be sad from a dream like that again. Fuck him and his absense. And the way he withheld affection but didn't let me go. I was strangled for months. I almost started crying when I woke up. My face crumpled up in the precursor motion. But then nothing came. I absolutely don't love him anymore. I actually do hate him. But he still has the power to hurt me, even from within my psyche, even though I have run away and will never see him again. How do I get rid of this need to get answers and understand? I still don't.
What is there to understand. He just fell for someone else. But why did he do that to me? How could he perpetuate a myth that made me feel inadequate, insufficient, ugly, undesirable, in the wrong, crazy? I don't want him out of my life, but I can't forgive him. I have to cut him off. There's still so much bile to work through.
And then the crazy twist. Reynard calls me up and tells me eric was hit by a car today. wtf. I didn't want him to be hurt, but in a way I did. Not hurt badly, but hurt, in a way that I've hurt. Minor injuries that would force him to stay in bed and contemplate his world while he was healing and before he was deemed perfectly fine. It somehow seemed karmic. The teflon man I called him, nothing ever sticks to you, everyone loves eric even when he fucks them over. I know it makes me horrible, but I guess as long as I've posted every other intimate detail, I can implicate my own bad thoughts. I am very glad he is ok. I have been trying to find out all night, and just got the all clear text message back from donham. but in the poetic way of dreams invading reality and reality invading dreams, something seems to make a sick sort of sense.
I can't help but look back. I am a little obsessed with the past. My ical is detailed to an extreme degree, and I had handmade calendars in college, and monthly planners in high school before that. I look back and wonder when the rehearsals became dates. The distance in our relationship started almost exactly when the dance show did. When I came back from South America and it was like I was a nuissance rather than a welcome companion. Eric said it began only shortly before we went to japan, but I bet it was far earlier. I'm betting early November. But these are useless activities that distract me from my work in the same way that looking up those early text messages and frantic excited crazypassionate ims does.
Are all relationships destined to be this way? Begin in crazy passion, end in withdrawal? I think the crazy passion does end eventually, but then it must be replaced by something more meaningful -- a partnership with a deep and underlying passion, not a crazy-new-obsession. And ultimately, both parties are ready to make that leap or they're not. If they are, they must constantly tend the relationship, watering it and nurturing it so the plant doesn't wither away. And if they're not, they look for the crazy-new once again.
I am looking forward to dating. I told Eric that on Valentine's Day, that I was looking forward to when we were apart because I was looking forward to having someone around again. I missed regular sex. I missed companionship. I missed bike rides and going to museums. I missed having someone there for me. He acted hurt. and I said -- I miss who you once were. I want to meet you all over again. and he said I miss me too. oh, bitterness now -- how he said that when he was doing all those things with someone new I don't know. I don't think I'll ever get in his head to find out.
but dating. Michael and his ilm friends, Ziah and her pixar friends, brad and his berkeley neuroscience friends. I figure my friend linked dating pool in sf is better than anywere else I could be. I guess I can give that a try. I don't really remember what it's like or even the point of it, but I can give it a try. I'm not used to thinking of myself as available. I automatically deflect any and all overtures. It will be an experiment. If I was cheesy and silly, I might say it was a new day adventure.
but I would never do that.
A little help from my friends
I just want to mention how wonderful the people in my life are. The last few frantic days in LA were filled with kindness from many, and San Francisco remains the same. Eileen and BJ -- thanks for letting me crash on your couch that night and always letting me know you are there for me. Synderella, for bringing me my paycheck. Susie, thanks for your late night vigil and for your understanding. G Reynard, the breakfast and driving around to do errands meant a lot to me in my sleep deprived and overwraught state. Ziah has kindly been allowing me to crash in her amazing apartment, and starting tommorrow when my friend Michael leaves to visit his family in Florida, he's giving me the keys to his apartment for the week. Both he and Ziah live in Hayes Valley, a couple blocks away from Alamo Square, where I've been taking sake to walk in the off leash dog park area. This list doesn't even begin to mention all the folks who have simply been great sounding board, conversationalists and distractions.
Last night we saw amazing fusion jazz at a jazz club called Yoshi's, a couple blocks from m and z's houses. One band was called AutoRickshaw, and was one part indian music and one part jazz standard. The other band, Slamming Body All Stars, was 6 vocalists who made all the instruments. One guy did the percussion on his body and with his feet, another did beatboxing, and then there was a bassist voice who made the motions of air stand up bass as he made the sounds with his voice. The other 3 did mainly vocals although the girl with the most amazing singing voice also did a dead on trumpet solo. The two bands each called up members of the other band to play with them during their sets, leading to even more interesting collaborations. Two vodka sodas delivered during the show helped the enjoyment as well. You can see stuff on the vocalists here: http://www.crosspulse.com/html/slammin.html
It's a trying morning, less gung ho than before. But life goes on.
Last night we saw amazing fusion jazz at a jazz club called Yoshi's, a couple blocks from m and z's houses. One band was called AutoRickshaw, and was one part indian music and one part jazz standard. The other band, Slamming Body All Stars, was 6 vocalists who made all the instruments. One guy did the percussion on his body and with his feet, another did beatboxing, and then there was a bassist voice who made the motions of air stand up bass as he made the sounds with his voice. The other 3 did mainly vocals although the girl with the most amazing singing voice also did a dead on trumpet solo. The two bands each called up members of the other band to play with them during their sets, leading to even more interesting collaborations. Two vodka sodas delivered during the show helped the enjoyment as well. You can see stuff on the vocalists here: http://www.crosspulse.com/html/slammin.html
It's a trying morning, less gung ho than before. But life goes on.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Today
Today was a good day. Admittedly, there were time when I had vertigo. Just the realization that I am not attached to someone for basically the first time in seven years was bizarre! Knowing I don't have an address right now or any one in the near future was crazy! Finding out that I left my entire music collection on a hard drive I left behind in my storage cube sucked. I kept feeling a little out of it, spacing out every once in awhile as my mind caught on and tried to make sense of a memory. And yet it was great. After a morning of communing with the internet while Ziah slept in, we went out for brunch, went to "noize pop" - a rad gathering of vendors selling their handmade clothing and other items and bands playing, then got coffee and walked around the mission and spent a couple hours chatting and watching people in delores park with some of ziah's friends from work. After, we met up with Michael and his lady lorelei and made sushi dinner in ziah's lovely kitchen and drank lots of sake and plum wine. Surrounded by good friends, letting everything sink in, and having conversation bubble easily, even when I would occasionally be a bit lost staring into space.
It occurred to me. Maybe I should just stay in sf for a bit longer. Sublet a place here before I move on to Portland. Ziah's in favor. She just had a somewhat painful break up a few months ago and, like me, mainly has male friends around. She'd like another female to go out with so all the guys she meets don't think she's with her boyfriend when she's really just with a pal. It's great to be around her again. I'm really able to be present with my friends so much more now, without thinking about being with someone who's not there. So many possibilities.
It occurred to me. Maybe I should just stay in sf for a bit longer. Sublet a place here before I move on to Portland. Ziah's in favor. She just had a somewhat painful break up a few months ago and, like me, mainly has male friends around. She'd like another female to go out with so all the guys she meets don't think she's with her boyfriend when she's really just with a pal. It's great to be around her again. I'm really able to be present with my friends so much more now, without thinking about being with someone who's not there. So many possibilities.
a response
HE SAID:
http://nothingisatlastsacred.blogspot.com/
SHE SAID:
pathological
Main Entry:
path·o·log·i·cal
1: of or relating to pathology2: altered or caused by disease; also : indicative of disease3: being such to a degree that is extreme, excessive, or markedly abnormal
I think the term pathological was actually quite appropriate. I do believe that "being such to a degree that is extreme, excessive, or markedly abnormal". I think that is dead on.
I'm struggling to understand, to make sense of the situation. There are a couple of misrepresentations here.
First, the affair began before Japan. Japan was all about understanding eachother. We talked for days about what we wanted from life and how we felt about things. That day at hiroshima castle when we talked about how life was too short and we had to make sure that we did the things we wanted in the time we were given. You said you wanted time to do music and your work. I said I wanted to make sure I had children. You said they weren't mutually exclusive.
And you never mentioned that you were interested in someone else.
So, even as we were discussing going our separate ways, you misrepresented. I was perfectly clear that I was ok with us going our separate ways. I was sad, but I would be ok.
And you NEVER said "no" to the marriage question. You said "I don't know." No would have been the right answer and the best answer.
I'm not stupid. I saw the distance. But you kept telling me in was because you were working too hard. I saw things falling apart. You were not an easy person to live with. You were consumed with one project after another, and obviously pulling away. When I was sick and unable to get out of bed, you disappeared with a "dude, that sucks. I can't afford to get sick" and didn't really come home for more than a few hours for three days. That's not a relationship.
Traditionally, when I would bring up that I was unhappy, your answer had been "it's not always going to be like this" and my response was "if we have no future than what's the point in dealing with this now?" As things got worse, I struggled to justify it.
Second, You call it your personal punishment, but you were the one who was engaged in something new and exciting, and I was the one stuck at home sad and confused by your words. I could have been out there too. So who was punished?
Third, regarding emails and text messages. You did delete your emails, and you took your laptop everywhere with you. none of the messages you received were there. I only found some in your sent mail that you had clearly overlooked. You always had your phone and you were rarely home when I wasn't asleep. If think that is subconsiously trying to get caught, you're continuing to fool yourself.
You had every opportunity to be honest. We talked about things a BILLION times. You hid EVERYTHING. Remember the talk on new years eve? we discussed moving on. And you didn't even bring it up then. I wanted to go! I changed my profile to single, and you kept sucking me back into the void.
I know you tend to do things just because you've been doing them for a long time. You don't change easily. Where I try to move once a year and change jobs once every couple months, and change careers once every couple years, you tend to find a groove and stay in it. Like Sparc. Like IF. Like your economics degree. Even if you are uncomfortable, you stick with it because you feel you should or someone expects you to.
I really hate how you talk about torturing yourself. How is going out with someone new and having great sex torture? It's pure indulgence, without considering the consequences. You hurt me. You would never have hurt yourself if I hadn't forced you to admit your lies. You did exactly what you wanted and then continued to try to play the other side too. I didn't want to be in the role you cast me in, but you kept forcing me back into it. Just when I was detatching myself, you'd do something like the retarded valentine's day stunt. I told you as much. You can't keep trying to get close and pushing me away again. It was like continual rejection for 3 months! It could have happened just once and been done!
You have to quit hiding behind this making people happy crap. You know in your heart of hearts that I wasn't happy, and I wasn't going to be happy with an illusion. To say you were lying to make me happy is lying to yourself. "The heart wants what it wants" I can accept if it isn't me, but I can't accept that you FUCKED WITH MY HEAD.
I told you in our "nth conversation about marriage" that I wanted to "Move on in the relationship or move on." I said that I would rather be single and start over now than in another 2 years of uncertainty. I said as much a year previously too, but all you could give me was uncertainty, so I held on. I didn't want that! I just wanted to force you out of the groove! Force you to consiously make a decision about your life, and not just flow into whatever happened to come your way. Like when I said you should take classes at art center with me, or move to silverlake, or follow up with grant instead of continually bitch about how you didn't like what was going on. Push you to make a decison. I was pleased as shit when you finally seemed to have an answer besides "I don't know" for me, it's all your wavering as time went on that fucked it up.
Stop it. Stop hiding behind your upbringing and accept that your actions are your own. Don't just take the first thing that falls into your lap because it's easy and fun. Think about what you really want and who you are and what you need, then make YOUR (not anyone else's, or anyone else you can blame for its) decision and stick with it.
This shouldn't be for public consuption. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted the world to see that you weren't the sweetheart that you make yourself out to be. You're just another man who did a shitty thing and got caught. Who didn't have the balls to own up to what he was doing - pursuing his own happiness without concern for those around him. Forcing others to lie for him.
I'm trying to see the other side of you too. Trying to see you for a human being and not just a selfish man. But you haven't convinced me yet.
I think this is good in a way. We're presenting our arguments without getting involved with eachother. I would not want to have any conversations with you or be personally involved on any level, but I think it is helpful for both of us to sort through things and arrive at what really happened so we can both be cleansed and hopefully never find ourselves in the same situation.
Let me ask you one thing. What could I have done to have alleviated the situation? I feel like I was just manipulated until I finally said that it had to stop. How do you see my actions? You clearly know how I see yours.
http://nothingisatlastsacred.blogspot.com/
SHE SAID:
pathological
Main Entry:
path·o·log·i·cal
1: of or relating to pathology2: altered or caused by disease; also : indicative of disease3: being such to a degree that is extreme, excessive, or markedly abnormal
I think the term pathological was actually quite appropriate. I do believe that "being such to a degree that is extreme, excessive, or markedly abnormal". I think that is dead on.
I'm struggling to understand, to make sense of the situation. There are a couple of misrepresentations here.
First, the affair began before Japan. Japan was all about understanding eachother. We talked for days about what we wanted from life and how we felt about things. That day at hiroshima castle when we talked about how life was too short and we had to make sure that we did the things we wanted in the time we were given. You said you wanted time to do music and your work. I said I wanted to make sure I had children. You said they weren't mutually exclusive.
And you never mentioned that you were interested in someone else.
So, even as we were discussing going our separate ways, you misrepresented. I was perfectly clear that I was ok with us going our separate ways. I was sad, but I would be ok.
And you NEVER said "no" to the marriage question. You said "I don't know." No would have been the right answer and the best answer.
I'm not stupid. I saw the distance. But you kept telling me in was because you were working too hard. I saw things falling apart. You were not an easy person to live with. You were consumed with one project after another, and obviously pulling away. When I was sick and unable to get out of bed, you disappeared with a "dude, that sucks. I can't afford to get sick" and didn't really come home for more than a few hours for three days. That's not a relationship.
Traditionally, when I would bring up that I was unhappy, your answer had been "it's not always going to be like this" and my response was "if we have no future than what's the point in dealing with this now?" As things got worse, I struggled to justify it.
Second, You call it your personal punishment, but you were the one who was engaged in something new and exciting, and I was the one stuck at home sad and confused by your words. I could have been out there too. So who was punished?
Third, regarding emails and text messages. You did delete your emails, and you took your laptop everywhere with you. none of the messages you received were there. I only found some in your sent mail that you had clearly overlooked. You always had your phone and you were rarely home when I wasn't asleep. If think that is subconsiously trying to get caught, you're continuing to fool yourself.
You had every opportunity to be honest. We talked about things a BILLION times. You hid EVERYTHING. Remember the talk on new years eve? we discussed moving on. And you didn't even bring it up then. I wanted to go! I changed my profile to single, and you kept sucking me back into the void.
I know you tend to do things just because you've been doing them for a long time. You don't change easily. Where I try to move once a year and change jobs once every couple months, and change careers once every couple years, you tend to find a groove and stay in it. Like Sparc. Like IF. Like your economics degree. Even if you are uncomfortable, you stick with it because you feel you should or someone expects you to.
I really hate how you talk about torturing yourself. How is going out with someone new and having great sex torture? It's pure indulgence, without considering the consequences. You hurt me. You would never have hurt yourself if I hadn't forced you to admit your lies. You did exactly what you wanted and then continued to try to play the other side too. I didn't want to be in the role you cast me in, but you kept forcing me back into it. Just when I was detatching myself, you'd do something like the retarded valentine's day stunt. I told you as much. You can't keep trying to get close and pushing me away again. It was like continual rejection for 3 months! It could have happened just once and been done!
You have to quit hiding behind this making people happy crap. You know in your heart of hearts that I wasn't happy, and I wasn't going to be happy with an illusion. To say you were lying to make me happy is lying to yourself. "The heart wants what it wants" I can accept if it isn't me, but I can't accept that you FUCKED WITH MY HEAD.
I told you in our "nth conversation about marriage" that I wanted to "Move on in the relationship or move on." I said that I would rather be single and start over now than in another 2 years of uncertainty. I said as much a year previously too, but all you could give me was uncertainty, so I held on. I didn't want that! I just wanted to force you out of the groove! Force you to consiously make a decision about your life, and not just flow into whatever happened to come your way. Like when I said you should take classes at art center with me, or move to silverlake, or follow up with grant instead of continually bitch about how you didn't like what was going on. Push you to make a decison. I was pleased as shit when you finally seemed to have an answer besides "I don't know" for me, it's all your wavering as time went on that fucked it up.
Stop it. Stop hiding behind your upbringing and accept that your actions are your own. Don't just take the first thing that falls into your lap because it's easy and fun. Think about what you really want and who you are and what you need, then make YOUR (not anyone else's, or anyone else you can blame for its) decision and stick with it.
This shouldn't be for public consuption. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted the world to see that you weren't the sweetheart that you make yourself out to be. You're just another man who did a shitty thing and got caught. Who didn't have the balls to own up to what he was doing - pursuing his own happiness without concern for those around him. Forcing others to lie for him.
I'm trying to see the other side of you too. Trying to see you for a human being and not just a selfish man. But you haven't convinced me yet.
I think this is good in a way. We're presenting our arguments without getting involved with eachother. I would not want to have any conversations with you or be personally involved on any level, but I think it is helpful for both of us to sort through things and arrive at what really happened so we can both be cleansed and hopefully never find ourselves in the same situation.
Let me ask you one thing. What could I have done to have alleviated the situation? I feel like I was just manipulated until I finally said that it had to stop. How do you see my actions? You clearly know how I see yours.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Freedom
I don't think I have ever felt this free in my life. I just put most of my possessions in a storage cube, and the rest are in my 2003 vw beetle.
It has been the most difficult and painful last three months of my life, as my relationship of 4 years crumbled around me. 3 months of wondering and confusion and a continual barage of barely masked lies. He kept saying we just needed a little time apart to appreciate eachother and that he wanted to concentrate on his music and his work and get to know himself. Meanwhile, he was fucking someone else. We discussed breaking up over and over, but he said he didn't want to be broken up yet. What a lying sack.
He said he was going camping by himself to think things through and then we'd go mountain biking in the morning. I assumed he'd be back somewhat early since you get up with the sunlight when camping and we had plans. He doesn't come back til close to noon, and then he says he went out to breakfast. Where? Downbeat cafe. Why there? You went camping in Malibu and you've only been to downbeat like once in your life. he gets all defensive and angry "Do I need to have a reason? I just did." Only later I discover his new woman lives in echo park only a block from there. What did you do while you were camping? "I read a lot" and he shows me a steinbeck book he clearly just picked up off the building's castoffs bookshelf. Then he opens it to where he was reading -- page 8, which is actually only 3 pages into text. Funny how you can read all morning and only be on page 3. But he gets defensive and angry so I am left with just doubts and confusion. So many of these.
Friday night when we're all hanging out at the cat and the fiddle pub, and then he says he has to go meet with Kate to go over music for the dance performance which is still 2 months away. On a late friday night. I didn't even suspect then really, I trusted him so much. We had been having millions and millions of conversations about things, and he said he just wanted to be alone, and he didn't think he would date any of the people around him, even though I had brought her up as a possibility for a future love. All of those "Rehearsals" where I waited up for him at night, thinking that he's just so busy and if I could just be around for him when he wasn't working on stuff we'd still have time to share things and not grow apart. But it didn't matter how late I waited up, he always came home later. And now I know he was off with someone else. If he had JUST TOLD ME it would have been so simple. When I was preparing to leave, I could have had my kick ass starting over ipod playlist instead of my bittersweet I love you but we need to be apart and will be together again some day playlist. I could have not sat home wondering why he snubbed me when he invited me to see his music/dance performance. I get SO ANGRY when I think of all that needless suffering, all the lies all the wondering why he wasn't picking up his phone or answering my text.
I texted him late on a different late friday night "rehearsal" a kiss -- "mwa" . I felt bad he was so busy and working so late. He texted me back "mwatofu"-- a kiss for me, tofu being my pet name. And he was fucking her that night and didn't come home until the next day . mwa?!?!?! I think he really had to be a pathological, sick human being to be able to lie so constantly and completely for 3 months, staring into my eyes and telling me bald faced lies. I will never never never trust anything he says again. I just hope I can trust other people some day.
But. Finding out was the best thing that ever ever happened to me. I am so glad I get to start this new chapter of my life with an open and free and unencumbered heart. Seeing the text messages that he had been sending her telling her that he couldn't stop thinking about her and was going to come over to fool around the same day he took me out to a Valentine's Day dinner and gave me a present and said we were going to be able to work things out, we just needed some time apart finally made me able to let go. To know he was onlying toying around with me, trying to keep me on the line and not allow me to really be with other people, even though he was.
Now I am free! I've dreamed of moving to portland since before I've known him. I've wanted more than anything to put everything in storage and be free floating. And it's all coming true. After a night fueled by tears, hysterics, sugar free redbull and vodka, packing most of the night and morning, I finally got in my acr at 2pm, and at about 4 pm, I started to smile. I called my friends. I reconnected with people. I had long conversations and saw the sun set over the hills and knew that people cared about me and I'm about to have the best adventure of my life. So so so so infinitely much better than if it has gone as planned before I read his love letters. If I had been in that car next to a silent and distant eric, feeling sad over the loss and wondering what was going on, it would have been miserable! Instead it was liberating.
Through all the tears, there was one moment that night that stood out and made me feel like I was strong and could move on. Eric and I were in tears, staring into eachothers eyes, and he was finally present, and being honest (I think? who knows really at this point) He was supposed to stop by and bring me the 60$ that I insisted he pay me back for the flight he was gonna take down from sf after he drove up with me, and he was suppoosed to leave before my friend susie arrived at 8:30. Susie showed up, and he said "I don't want to leave, tell her to go away" and I didn't want him to leave and I was almost ready to do it. And then I gathered my strength and I said "No. You have to go. My friends will be here for me, and you won't. Tommorrow you'll be with someone else and I'll be alone. I'm not going to push my friends away for you. You have to leave." and then I collapsed into tears on the floor because it was so so hard to push away this person that all I wanted was for him to love me. I opened the door and susie saw the tears in our eyes and said "should I leave you two alone?" and I said "no I'm going to need you tonight." and she said she'd come back in a half hour. Susie is amazing, a true and wonderful friend. After a half hour of tears and him starting to go back to veiled eyes, I called and told her to come back. That is my new paradigm. Choosing my friends and not liars.
Oh man. So much more. But the point is, that was the first time I was able to really be strong. To know the situation, to know where I stood and to be able to make a decision for myself. After 7 years of back-to-back long term relationships, I need to be me. Even with my biological clock creeping up on me, I do not want a man in my life for a good while. I want to be solo and know what it is to be alone. I guess that what these last three months have prepared me for. 3 months of having someone in bed with me who mainly wasn't really present has shown me that having someone in bed with you just for the sake of having someone in bed is not worth it. I would rather be alone and warm my own covers and sooth my own nightmares and know where I stand. All that love and passion and friendship down the drain. All our mutual friends tell me to concentrate on the 3 and a half good years, not the last couple months of bad. But I just can't. It's all colored by the lies and the doubt, and wondering what else he lied about over the course of our time together.
For this next couple months, I am going to do yoga every day. I am going to write every morning. I am going to engage deeply with my friends. I am going to be myself. And I am going to love life.
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