sharing

Another aspect of breaking up is who gets what. When the break up was looking amicable, we were talking about dividing things evenly. When I found out he was a lying cheat, I decided I would take everything that we had jointly purchased that was not nailed down. Even things I didn't care that much about I wanted to take -- or break. Luckily I didn't have that much room in the storage cube. With friends, it is not so easy.

Of course, I rationally would not want my friends to have to choose. That's not the nice thing to do, it's obviously not fair to them. But of course we are not rational beings, and even if it is not fair to expect my friends to be instruments of revenge I somehow in my heart of hearts wish they would. A lot. I am glad that I managed to keep some friends at least that were firmly on my side of the ledger. It's important to have people who are there for you first and foremost, who stand by you. With others, you secretly wonder. If I really pushed the issue as I never would, where would it come down? Since they all are totally forthcoming that I am the wronged party, I can't help but think it would be against me.

I am grateful for all the friends in my life however, and don't want them to be gone even though part of me thinks it would be healthier if I didn't have so many ties to eric and what he is doing with his life. After I was given the news through mutual friends, I checked in on him and we talked for a long time. Maybe that isn't good even if I have the urge -- picking at the scab so to speak. All the civil and rational conversation can't justify a thing.

All the ones that are playing for both teams make things hard. Very hard. They don't want to hear me say bad things about eric because they want to still seem him as a good guy so they can still be friends. But they don't want to cut me out of their lives, so they sit on a fence. I guess it's the mature thing. God knows I've been there, and I have loved both parties and I didn't want to be involved in what's wrong between the two of them. But it can't help but seem like sabotage, or sleeping with the enemy. When I pour my heart out, and then find out eric has poured his heart out to them as well. I feel like there's some sort of race being run, as he tries to shore up all our mutual friends and make sure they don't hate him. It's fine. maybe I don't even hate him. but I feel like I should. And I really want his actions to have an effect on his life, not just have him with his new girl in the bed I slept in until 4 days ago.

But, as the saying goes, life isn't fair. Although, things DO have a way of hitting you from time to time.

At some point, I'll just cease to care.