on the outside

Thursday night was my first time going to a bar as a single person. The very second I walked in, I locked eyes with some guy. He continued to stare. I looked away and looked back and he was still looking. I was freaked out. I ducked my head and hurried to the bar to buy Ziah and my drink. Thinking about it, I decided he was cute, but we settled at a table back in the corner with a huge group of people and he was totally obstructed. If I had been on my game, I would have gone back into eyesight...

After a few drinks, I started to think that one of her friends was kinda cute. Really not my type, but tangentally I guess. He's a half jew, which goes with the previous 2 for 2 guys in my past. Short hair, a little talky, works at Pixar, blue eyes. He said "You're charming, you know?" and I got a little taken in. Alas, he had to leave with his ride before we did, and actually I'm grateful.

I only went into the bathroom twice to almost break into tears. RIDICULOUS! What in the world is wrong with me. I'm ashamed that I would do that. I just started thinking about how I just wanted to have someone to go home to. I didn't really want the thrill of the chase or the unknown or any surprises. I just want someone to come home to at the end of the night that I like how they smell and I know how they are and they know how I am. I was really excited going into it. It's kinda fun to put yourself on display and wait for reactions - but I just don't know how to deal. Cute boys are too intimidatingly cute, not cute boys are too not cute. And I kind of feel like I need a disclaimer or a warning label on my head "I'm sort of damaged by things right now and all I can really think about is how my ex screwed me over and how almost anybody could be a lying cheat." Hi, here's my baggage. Nice to meet you, too.

And it hits me how ironic it is that Eric said he was so excited about being single - relying on himself, doing his own things - while I was so adamant that I'd just want to move on cause I don't like being alone. And somehow the situations are reversed. There is an aspect of being single that I like A LOT. I feel like the strings have been cut. There's no magnetic weight pulling me toward a home base. My base is all the people I know and all the situations that might seem interesting. The world is SO WIDE OPEN. And I keep getting more and more freelance job offers and interviews. A little too much. But it makes me feel independent and strong.