failure

I feel like such a failure right now. I'm not sure if i can make san francisco work. I'm not sure if it's the right thing. And the broken relationship is really getting me down. My life wasn't supposed to be at this place. My mental plan, developed early in my 20's, had marriage set at around 27, kids at around 30. Guess I blew that out of the water. My mom had a valentine's day card from my dad. I saw something sitting on her desk and commented -- oh, that's pretty, what is it? and opened it up. "your dad finally started signing his cards after all these years." she says. There it was, signed, with no other written fanfare, but the printed message was "You will always be my friend. You will always be my love." That damn hallmark imprint has been running through my head for days now. That's what I want. I want that partnership. That 30 + years and still appreciating eachother. How could I have been so wrong? I feel like my powers of perception are myopic.

I think I messed up the apple interview. I was so concerned with presenting my design work, that I neglected to see that he was trying to evaluate my leadership abilities. I was ready with work examples that never were displayed. I felt like it was weird that they were so overwhelmingly positive about my work, and was blinded by the fact that I had been working on the apple account at logan for so long, and ambivalent about whether I was interested in the job at all.

All the ambivalency about everything. I don't know whether I want to stay or go, or where I belong or what I should be doing. Lost, really. I threw myself into everything so fast, and now I am paused -- and confused. Current offered me less money than I was expecting (basically the same I made this year while working only 9 months of the year), and now it's in negotiations and reference checking. So I'm up in the air. And here I have committed to an apartment that rents for twice the amount I've ever paid before. I'm nervous to say the least. It seemed like everything was going right and leading me to SF, and now that I'm gone, I wonder if I should even go back. Lost. Truly lost and directionless. I keep thinking I have to set some boundaries for myself, get myself committed to some things so at least I won't be so up in the air. Everytime I commit, I second guess.

How will I afford to live in SF? Is this a good idea? My work set up in LA is rather ideal. It's no wonder so many motion graphics people say they'd love to live in SF but they couldn't make it work. I guess I can make it work for a year - but my rent...it would be so much easier to coast in minneapolis or portland. I don't really want to coast right now. I am ready to throw myself into my work. I can't get discouraged. My skills run deep, there are many media jobs I can do. But I really liked the one I was doing - designing boards is kind of the best job I can imagine. But the lifestyle in SF is really what I want - a car free life, hanging out with friends in the park, walking and biking everywhere. Work to live, live to work?

My mom commented rightly that to go back to LA would only be unhealthy. I disliked the place for so long and now I have even more reason to do so. I know she's right, but I wish I could hide, or duck, or go to a home that no longer exists.